ZIMmortality
by 13thheaven
Summary: Set 10 years in the future. Zim and Dib are at each other's throats again, but an enemy they never expected forces them to team up together in a final bid for the future of Earth. But how will they stop a foe that is so very...um, hard to stop..y?
1. ThE bOTched InFiLTHtraTiOn

Ding-dong!

A greasy-haired college kid walked slowly over to the door, can of Poop soda in hand.

Ding-dong!

His eyes were bloodshot from staring at monitors all night. He couldn't stand to sleep one minute when something absolutely terrifying was happening just down the street...

Ding-dong!

Even now, he was hesitant to even bother with whatever idiot he was trying to save that was standing mindlessly on his porch.

Ding-dong!

Ding-dong!

-

The weary man-child had just opened the door when he was abruptly punched in the face and shoved aside. " Get out of the way, idiot!"

"Hey Gaz!" The girl at the door was about twenty years old, with deeply tanned skin and wild black hair. "Wazzup?"

" You. Me. Room. NOW!" Gaz pulled on the girl's spiked collar and dragged her into a dark corner of the house. She turned to glare at Dib, who was rubbing his rapidly-swelling cheek. " Gaz, that hurt!"

Her voice seethed with malice as she hissed, " I am going to stomp my friend's ass to the ground in Vampire Piggies 4, and if you dare disturb our zone, your soul will be put through a cheese-grater for eternity..."

The girl who was in Gaz's grip absent-mindedly smiled and waved as she was drawn into the fiery depths of hell.

" That was strange," Dib muttered to himself..._Gaz, with a friend?_

From down the hall, he could hear Gaz yell, " Shut up, Dib! Your inner thoughts are stupid!"

Dib felt a chill go down his spine at the idea that Gaz had telepathy; he shrugged it off and scurried to his monitors, grateful that he no longer had to deal with the distraction that girl had been to his studies. He shook his head as he closed the door to his room, sealing himself into a world of whirring, bells, and artificial light. He eased himself into his padded chair and scrutinized the image of the little alien on the screen, sleeping. Damn that Zim and his sleeping!

_It's sure to be a part of his evil plan_, he mused as he resumed the consumption of a half-eaten Poop bar. The sawdust made his throat itch, and he tried to alleviate it with a small cough, but the bar went down the wrong way and he presumably began choking. As he writhed in convulsions of suffucation, the image of the little alien tossed with him in fitful sleep.

Dib fell to the floor in hacking fits, and desperately reached for one of the many Poop cans laying around in his Dib-cave. As soon as his hand found one, he mashed it into his face and gulped, to no avail. Empty. Meanwhile, the little green alien's breaths added a sharp and unsettling ambiance to the scene, and their producer's slight turns became a writhing that intensified, yet went unnoticed by the choking Dib.

Dib began to feel woozy, and imagined he heard a dull moan which was rising into Zim's eery screams of pain. He _had_ to see what was happening, but the choking most definitely had to be fixed first. He grabbed a Poop can that had been under his bed. He shuddered to think what it would taste like after three years down there, but pressed it to his lips and chugged it, hoping to unclog his airways before the nauseating flavor hit him like a bludgeonball to the face.

The soda was flat and tasted like, well, poop, but that was nothing a quick ralphing into the trashcan wouldn't fix. Dib wiped off the corners of his mouth and settled back into his chair. The sudden realization that Zim was screaming in pain brought him back into focus, and he was transfixed by the monitor's ghastly image.

" No...no way! This is absolutely amazing! I have to record this and send it to Mysterious Mysteries!"

From down the hall, Gaz screamed, " Turn down your stupid snuff films or you'll star in the next one!"

June used the distraction to button-mash attack Gaz's slayer, depleting the last of her HP. Gaz cried out in frustration as a cheshire smile spread across her friend's face.

" No! NO! How did you-"

" Dumb luck," the girl said, as her shit-eating grin spread wider on her dumb face. " Can I go to the bathroom now?"

Gaz grumbled, " Fine."

June was out the front door in seconds. Gaz called after her, " You're going the wrong way, idiot!"

" See you tomorrow," June yelled back as she ran. _Shit, she wouldn't let me go! Master won't be happy about this..._ After she had run about five blocks, she turned down a street full of houses, and a sign! And by the sign on the corner of the street, her little master was waiting for her, the sum of all absolute terror and madness. Heck, Madness was its name..._  
_


	2. tHe MASTERS aNd ThEir mastered

June kicked open her front door, screaming," Honey! The men in white coats are here!' She threw herself down onto a ragged, sagging couch and stretched lazily while the little chihuahua (chi-hooa-hooa?) yapped at her, shaking in fury.

" You spent eight hours in that house and you couldn't get the Dib-boy alone for ONE SECOND?!?!?"

June tilted her head and mewed, " But I was playin' Vampire Piggies 4! And I vanquished the fourth-best gamer in the entire world!"

The ratty-looking dog yelped back," What good is that going to do for our plan?!"

June looked puzzled. " Our plan...oh yeah!!! Oops...well, I did manage to do that one thing, that alien kid thing..."

The dog gave a questioning look, then shook its ugly little head and sighed. " That'll do for now, I guess..."

The girl's dark eyes looked around the room, searching for the question she had lost at the tip of her tongue; when she found it, she asked, " Can you make me smart again? I used a bunch of that..."

June (who had the strangest feeling that she was Junk) felt the blockage in her brain expand. " That dookie stuff that make...things...uh..."

Several minutes passed before she finally finished her thought. " I grew him taller with..."

The dog glared at her and spat venomously, " As punishment for your failure, you can suffer the disease of your humanity for the rest of the night!"

June began to protest. " But, but, but..." But then the dog hopped on the couch, and pressed the power button of a tv remote. As the screen burst into an explosion of mind-numbing light, June became silent, hypnotized by the dancing gorillas that romped there. Madness curled up against its puppet as she babbled mindlessly to herself, "Silly monkeys."

_Yes...gorge yourself upon the idiocies of the world, my pet, for tomorrow will bring us one step closer to the total destruction of all you hold dear..._

Junk woke up in a strange house. The TV was on and they were showing a Silly Monkeys marathon! Oh, meatcakes!

_Aww, look at the little doggy, it's so ugly! 3_

" Hey little doggy, wanna watch me BEAT SOME MEAT?!?!" She dug around her pockets and pulled out her lucky steel mallet with spikes. Ground meat stuck to the points, and it smelled...flavorful, to put it politely.

" I'm the best! Number one meat tenderizer in the nation, yessir! Won, ummm..." Junk counted absent-mindedly on four fingers. " Seven competishuns!"

The little chi-hooa-hooa didn't seem too impressed by this. Junk was about to try to think of a good joke to make it happy, but it began to lick her hand.

Junk reeled in her seat. She started seeing double, and instead of the little rat dog, a hideous monster hid its face in shadow. Her head hurt. She was afraid. She felt cold, felt like something was taking her soul and peeling its skin off with a knife. Just before a cry of pain could escape her lips, a sudden calm washed over her like a clean river.

And then there was light, and she felt well.

June glared at her little master, " Would you STOP making it hurt so much when you do that?"

Madness let out a wheezy laugh. " Welcome back, June. You have work to do."

------------

Zim jolted awake, flailing his arm wildly. " Augh! Get away! You filthy, dirt-munching-"

He glared at every dark corner, down every hall, and finally his eyes rested on that useless piece of (mighty!) Irken junk that was playing cars with two breakfast taquitos.

" GIR!" Zim barked as he stood up off the ground. His feet seemed to be miles down, and he began to feel dizzy.

" Gir, why didn't you alert me that the base had been intruded upon?" His voice fell steady on his own antennae, perplexing him in its smooth consistency.

" Silly master! It was just me and the monkey, playing shoes!" With an indulgently satisfied grin, the little robot nodded, then ran away in fits of squeals and laughter.

" Useless," Zim mutter under his breath, " absolutely...Computer! Give me a log of any security malfunctions in the last 24 hours."

But the computer did not respond.

" Computer?"

" Computer!"

" Computer! Computer! Computer!"

Zim scowled at the sound of his voice and how normal it sounded. " Compuuuuuuter," he said slowly, but the interval between the unstressed and stressed syllable was far less than a musical fifth.

" Computer?" He felt as if someone had placed a filthy earth cottonball in his mouth, as if the word tasted like clove oil.

" Computer! Computer! Compuuuuter! COM-PU-TER!"

Dumbfounded that the intruder had managed to damage his maniacal howling, Zim plopped down on his couch. " My voice! My beautiful, wretched voice..."

As he hung his head low, Zim misjudged the distance from his leg and kneed himself in the eye. " Oh! Ow!" He gingerly rubbed his injured eye. A small gasp fled from the darkness inside his body. His feet were touching the floor, when normally they would dangle from the edge of the couch. Upon examination of his arms, he found them long and spindly and rather unwieldy.

Zim excitedly ran to the elevator, hitting his head against the top of the doorway as he did so. " I have to repair the base! The Tallest must witness my...my GROWTH SPURT! Muhahahahahaha!"


	3. NOT aCcorDING tEW pLan

The little chihuahua sat patiently beside its pet as she gently massaged her forehead. June groaned, " Why does it have to hurt so much?"

The dog replied, " Stupidity runs much deeper in you than in most of your kind. While it makes your body more susceptible to my power, it also takes more effort on my part to supress it. Now, if I had chosen that Dib-boy...heheheh..._yessss..._that one would have made a finer slave; but enough of this!"

The ratty little creature leapt gracefully from the couch and paced across the floor. " Since you have failed in bringing me a piece of the boy's soul by indirect means-" it eyed the girl menacingly, and she shuddered, " you must forcefully extract it from his body with this!"

The chihuahua dug at the base of a large pile of trash and pulled out a medallion. With the medallion in its mouth, the mangy rat-dog hopped back on the sofa and gingerly placed its trinket in June's hand.

The medallion itself was a curious thing to her. The face upon it was of a grotesque demon with a crooked grin. The horn in the center of its forehead protruded from the necklace and formed an arrow-like point. June looked to her master and asked, " Where does the point go?"

" The target's forehead," Madness replied simply. June felt a chill go down her spine yet again, but reminded herself that someone else's comfort was a small price to pay for the ultimate gift of knowledge. " So, what's the plan?"

The dog's eyes narrowed as it spoke. " Since you simply being within that boy's house did not siphon away the material I need, the Dib-beast must have some sort of protection spell around himself; however, he is not immune to a more -ahem- _physical_ approach."

June raised a pierced eyebrow. " Do I get to beat his head with my- no!" She shook her head violently to dispell the thought. " Forget that, it's the stupid talking...but exactly what do you mean by 'physical approach'? Should I attack him?"

The chihuahua rolled its buggy-looking eyes. " You should shake your head a few more times, the stupidity's still talking. What I mean to say is you must earn his trust so that he may allow you within striking range of that huge head of his. It shouldn't be difficult, with such a large target..."

June's coal-black eyes watched the deranged pooch's face warily. " You mean, try to be his friend? You know that he doesn't have any friends for a _reason_, right?"

Madness yelped at her, " Of course I do! His paranoia even keeps away others of his kind. You, however, have a crucial advantage over these other drooling monkeys that will weaken his defenses enough to breach his personal space."

June started getting a very strong feeling of nausea as she realized what her master was hinting at. " I hope you are suggesting that my borrowed intelligence and newfound awareness of the occult are all the proof of superiority I need to convince Dib to let me stab him in the face...wow, I've never said a sentence that long in my entire life! Being smart is awesome!"

The little dog glared at June, and she immediately composed herself.

" No, that's not it. Have you studied _anything at all_ with your amplified learning capabilities?"

June squirmed uneasily on the greasy couch. Her eyes flitted around the room as she answered, " Yes...I've studied many subjects."

Madness growled impatiently, " Like _what_?"

June felt her throat clench up. _No, he can't possibly mean __that__, anything but __that__..._

She squeaked, " Astronomy, quantum mechanics, chemistry..."

Her master's gaze was cold and unforgiving. If she mentioned what he had in mind, she'd be doomed to follow his orders, and she did _not_ want to cross that line; what he wanted from her was beneath her shiny new intelligence. But when the punishment was so terrible...

June sighed heavily. " Biology...anatomy...psychology..."

_Just spit it out. The thought is disgusting, but think of the reward._

Madness's eyes gleamed as its puppet finally spat out the final, most satisfactory answer.

June flushed as she mumbled, "..._sex ed..._"

The mangy animal wheezed, " _Exactly._ You will succeed where others have failed because of one, and _only_ one thing: TITS."

June flinched at the word, and crossed her arms over her chest as her little master laughed maniacally.

And for some reason, June suddenly had the feeling that she would not enjoy this mission, not one bit...


End file.
